for want of things

Lately I’ve come to realize why I’ve been so passive with my life, it turn out to be my stoic upbringing.  I was always taught to not have desire for things and learn to appreciate what’s given to me. I took the idea to the extreme and stumbled  through my teen and early twenty years not having a clue what I want to do. It seem that what my parents meant was for me to live the best life I could and not have any regrets. Its kinda hard to regret anything when you’ve done nothing worthwhile. I was reminded of a saying one of my teachers use to mention regarding any endeavors, he tried to drill into our heads that there are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going. Just wanting something isn’t enough, you have to put in the effort to get it. Only in my late 20s that I realize the truth of this simple principle. As such I’ve come to embrace this new revelation in full force, I am doing the things I want to do with more intensity and dedication to see it through. The old way of doing things wasn’t working out  so well for me, I was developing and inferiority complex and there was no way out. A series of events happened that got me to snapped out of it and recovered my pride. Pride, when used correctly can be a powerful motivator, and as Eleanor Roosevelt so eloquently put it, noone can make you feel inferior without your consent. I’ve yet to accomplished anything meaningful but I will always stay wanting and never settle.

Filed under: Stream of Consciousness , pride, want

Confessions of a college dropout

January 12, 2005. The last day of my prestigious college career. My grades and SAT score weren’t good enough to be accepted directly into a 4 year college so I had to spend 2 years at a community college and later transfer into the 4 year university. I half-assed my time at the community college and managed to get accepted into UMCP via transfer. The two years I spent at CP were also half assed efforts and I never got anything out of it. Everything came to a halt when I was told that I needed to get a full time job to help support the family, the deal was for me to work full time and still attend school. Since I’ve never fully applied myself in anything, that notion was impossible, I got a job and a few weeks later I promptly dropped out. I started working on January 1, 2005. I always told myself that I would work harder and go back to school to complete my education. Again I didn’t really make any headway, as usual it was a half assed effort and I managed to complete a few credits each semester. That wasn’t getting anywhere, it will be a while before I have enough for a degree. I have been at it for a bit over three years now and I am not satisfy with the results. The situation in turn made me into someone I am not. An angry, self loathing, defensive little man that have no self confidence and rely on others for acknowledgements. As such I am 25 now turning 26 in a few months, and I have nothing to show for it, no big paying job, no meaningful relationship, and of course no $$. Only recently do I realized that this half assed way of living isn’t working out anymore, for once I want to fully apply myself in something and see it to the end. This time around I will take it seriously and give it my all. I really don’t want to be a 30 year old with no ambitions and a bleak future. I want stuff, perhaps a nice car, someone to love and a family would be nice too.

Filed under: Stream of Consciousness

mind, body & soul

You can’t have one without the others, all three comes together for that worthwhile life experience. It may be feasible to take some time to focus on one facet but ultimately the goal is to hone all three together. I seem to be greatly lacking in all 3 but no worries, its not about where you are now but rather the adventures you put together as you get yourself to where you want to be. Here’s to never looking back on past failures and keep trying for that perfect balance of mind, body and soul.

Filed under: Stream of Consciousness , body, mind, soul

interesting insights

When it comes to love, its funny how a thousand acts of kindness from the other person can’t compare to a simple random gesture of goodwill from the one your heart desire.

The moment we learn to let go, a whole new world open up, suddenly everything doesn’t seem so bad. (this doesn’t apply to skydiving, DO NOT let go of the parachute)

When things doesn’t go your way, smile and change directions, you’re probably driving on the wrong side of the road.

Filed under: Stream of Consciousness , funny, insights, love

Details in the Fabric

Download Mp3 Here

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it’s a broken part, replace it
But, if it’s a broken arm then brace it
If it’s a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
mmmhmm

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I’m doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you’re shocked it’s just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature’s sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it’s just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

Filed under: Music

Thick skin

It seems that anything worth doing are the things that you fear most. I read somewhere that in order to better yourself you must admit your faults and turn them into strength. A brief self introspection revealed that I have faults in abundance. It should take me a lifetime to work through them all. I believe they call it building character when you learn to weed out the doubts and genuinely try to make a positive change. This require the development of what most successful people call “thick skin”, a state where regardless of the social noise you must remain absolute faithful in your ability to achieve your goal. Past failures will always creep up to remind you where you belong, its best to bounce it against your thick skin and brush it off as it comes your way. You can never take anything personal and leave yourself vulnerable. Look for acknowledgment and recognition within yourself. However, never build a wall so high that you won’t be able to scale back up. Give yourself a chance for happiness and let in those that are willing.

Filed under: Stream of Consciousness , character, self doubts, thick skin